The Terraformers

Episode 12: Blast Off

NARRATOR: Starring Kari Haley as Sarah Brunel.
SARAH: I wonder what our next degrading assignment from Mr Spall will be? Holding the newbies’ hands while they learn which end of a shovel is which perhaps?
NARRATOR: And Miranda Thomas as Taya Ray Parsec.
TAYA RAY: Yeah, if we don’t get to do some actual terraforming soon I’m going to explode!
NARRATOR: And featuring Nick Edwards as Mr Spall.
MR SPALL: This should be right up their street – those two have always been better at destruction than creation...
NARRATOR: Episode number 12 – Blast Off

Location: Office at Black Rock Training Centre. Taya Ray opens the door and comes in.

Thump as she puts the box down on the table.

Sounds of box being opened over the next line.

SARAH: (Excited.) Must be some serious hardware then! Mr Spall was very cryptic about it earlier. Just said that it was something that would “suit our destructive bent”, whatever that means.
TAYA RAY: Oh, it’s a gun! What, he wants us to shoot someone?!
SARAH: (Patronising.) Um, no, Taya Ray, do get a grip. It’s a phaser. (Beat, excited.) And not just any phaser! I don’t believe it! It’s the new one from Blue Sun. A GEO Phaser 300!
TAYA RAY: What does it do?
SARAH: It breaks down rock at the particle level so as not to disturb the structural integrity of the surrounding environment.
TAYA RAY: Huh?
SARAH: It blasts stuff.
TAYA RAY: Oh! Shiny!
SARAH: The technology’s pretty revolutionary. They’re calling this model of the phaser the “Wayne”. After some famous gunslinger on Earth-that-was or something.
TAYA RAY: There’s a message with it. Must be from Mr Spall.

Beep/click as Taya Ray switches on the device to play the message.

MR SPALL: (Recorded message.) As you can see, enclosed is the latest GEO Phaser. They’re soon to be standard issue so you’ll need to get familiar with it and then teach the trainees how to use it. There’s an instructional vid in the box so watch that first. Then off you go. Just don’t do anything stupid with it, all right?

Beep/click as Taya Ray switches off the device.

SARAH: Boy, that guy sure has trust issues. Anyway, here’s the instructional vid. Let’s have a look.

Beeps/clicks as Sarah switches the vid on.

INSTRUCTOR: (Cheesy salesman mode.) Congratulations on purchasing Blue Sun’s latest innovation in rock-processing equipment! The GEO Phaser 300 will meet all your rock disintegration needs! Just one blast of—
SARAH: Let’s fast forward...
INSTRUCTOR: (Insincerely cheerful and rather patronising.) –nting the right way, okay! Be sure to place your feet firmly on the ground and slightly wider than hip-width apart. We don’t want you falling over now! Once you are sure that you have a secure footing, you may initiate the start-up sequence.

Taya Ray’s line overlaps the end of the instructor’s last sentence.

TAYA RAY: Oh, this is silly. Do we really need to watch the whole thing? It’s not rocket science.

Sarah switches the vid off.

SARAH: Well, it kind of is, but I take your point. How hard can it be really? Just point and fire. Come on, let’s get the newbies and find something we can point it at!

Musical cue to indicate passing of time.

SARAH: Right class, as you can see we have something new to show you today. A GEO Phaser 300, which will break down rock at the particle level without affecting the structural integrity of the environment in the slightest.
TRAINEE #1: (Valley girl-ish.) So, like, what does that mean?
TAYA RAY: (The chance to sound smart at last!) It blasts stuff! Do try to keep up!
SARAH: Any other questions?
TRAINEE #2: (Scared.) It looks kinda dangerous! Are you sure it only blasts the rock?
TAYA RAY: Of course, silly. This is a Blue Sun product. Would Blue Sun lie to us? How can you say such a thing out here of all places? Look at the magnificent Blue Sun statue behind me and tell me that isn’t flawless craftsmanship!
SARAH: Well said, Taya Ray. Come on, who wants to be first to try out the Phaser? (Beat.) No one? Ok, I’ll pick someone. Hey, you, yes, you in the red shirt. You come on up here.
TRAINEE #2: (Even more scared.) Maybe you should show us how it works first?
SARAH: (Exasperated.) Oh, all right.

Clicks, whirrs and start up noises over the next line.

SARAH: Ok, we put that here. Pull that down. Push these three switches, point it at that rock and...

Noise of blast. Then silence for a beat.

TRAINEES: (Sharp intakes of breath all round.) Whoah!/ Go se!/Did you see that?!/No way!
SARAH: There’s no need to be sarcastic. I can see that the rock’s still there. It clearly didn’t work. It must have a fault or something.
TRAINEE #1: No, it, like, totally worked. Um, look behind you?
TAYA RAY: What, I don’t see anything.
TRAINEE#2: Exactly! You had the Phaser the wrong way around!
SARAH: (Realising.) Oh no! The statue! Where’s the statue?